D'varim/Deuteronomy
CHAPTER 25
1. "When a man has taken a wife and married her, and it comes about that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found something indecent in her, then he may write her a document of severance, place it in her hand, and send her out from his house,
To "take a wife and marry her" is not redundant. The first stage is the betrothal, which normally takes place a year or two before they actually live together. The betrothal is not mere engagement; it takes a bill of divorce to break it. Most from the Northern Kingdom have drawn our ideas about divorce only from the New Testament without the Torah background required to understand it properly. We do not want to take it so lightly that we engage in divorce parties complete with divorce cakes, as some now do, nor consider the subject so taboo that we fail to deal with some very real situations where common sense tells us it is the only feasible option, as in cases of abuse or promiscuity involving life-threatening sexually-transmitted diseases. Divorce is rarely a positive experience for the parties involved. It can especially destroy children’s sense of security and leave them with long-term scars. So it is not something for which anyone should give blanket approval. Yet neither should we ostracize those who have gone through it for what may be legitimate reasons. We have to know both what Torah really says about it and what Yahshua actually meant when he gave his well-known judgments in this regard. There are also keys in those passages and in these verses to how couples can fix some marital problems that seemed broken beyond repair. Something indecent: literally, uncovered or naked, and in Torah to uncover someone’s nakedness is an idiom for having sexual relations with them. It might seem that this is granting permission to divorce a wife that he finds is not a virgin after all. That may be included, but it is not so simple, for if she misrepresented herself as a virgin when she was not, such a case was already addressed in 22:20-21, which says she should be stoned, so he could not merely divorce her. The phrase “comes about” suggests that this comes later in the marriage, when he seems to have evidence for adultery, but no witnesses. Yet the procedure for a husband who suspects that his wife has cheated on him is found in Numbers chapter 5. So it is not speaking of that either. It may be a case in which there might appear to be condemning evidence, if YHWH does not provide two witnesses, it indicates that He has chosen in this case to have mercy, for she is not officially established to be an adulterer in the eyes of the nation. But it is still the husband’s option to divorce her. The phrase “finds no favor” indicates that there is room for mercy here, for the root word for the term “favor” means “bending over” (i.e., “backwards”, as we say in English). One might choose to divorce her, but he does not have to. The term for “something indecent” literally means “an uncovered word”, so it tells us how important it is that we “dress” our words properly. A word in season brings healing, as many Proverbs say, but one out of season—one not properly restrained when it should be, one that gives evidence that what is really in her heart is not her husband’s needs, but only her own wishes. In the context of marriage, it might mean one who greets her husband after a hard day’s work with complaining about the children’s behavior or nagging about a needed repair. A man’s home is his fortress, and yet when he enters it he is being ambushed and overwhelmed by an “enemy”! This certainly shows him no favor. Not that she has to be the idealized 1950’s-style housewife, but at the very least the honeymoon will be over if she “slaps” him with such a welcome. She has uncovered something about herself that she should have at least left until later. It may end up leaving her uncovered as well, as he retracts his covering from her. Rabbinic writings bear out the fact that even this was considered grounds for divorce in Yahshua’s day, when it was as common as it is today. This “indecency” was interpreted however one wished--even if the “indecency” was simply that she burned his dinner. While our Christian baggage oversimplified the issue to “YHWH hates divorce”, still Yahshua implies that nagging is not grounds for divorce, by upholding adultery as the only legitimate reason for divorce (Mat. 5:31ff), and this can include one additional reason (explained below). The favor is in his eyes. One’s eye is the window on his heart, so if he wants to divorce for so trivial an offense, it shows that his eye is on self rather than his spouse. When Yahshua says “whoever marries a divorced woman”, to be true to the Torah, he must mean “whoever marries a woman whom he himself married and divorced previously”. This fits with Torah’s emphasis on not looking back to Egypt, whjich we have left behind. Going bacxk to what we have already dealt with is not the way of the Kingdom. If one has already made the declaration that he does not want to be married to this woman, taking her back would only bring confusion to all. Apparently some Prushim heard what he said, because they used his own words to test him in regard to what was apparently a great controversy in their day. (Mat. 19:1-12) Each sect had their own opinions on it, and they used this as a test of whether Yahshua was in their camp. He had already won the argument when he asked, “Have you not read…?” Where Torah speaks, one need not give an opinion. He referred them back to Genesis 2:24—to YHWH’s intent from the beginning, the older creation law, which predates Sinai, not just what Moshe permitted because of our hardness of heart—again, the fact that the wife finds no favor. The older precedent is more authoritative, and what came later must be understood in the context of what came earlier. This showed them that he knew the Torah better than they did, and now they were the ones wanting to learn more. His students, from the coarser part of society, respond by saying that if one signs up for marriage, he is “stuck” with her for life, it would be better no to get married. He answers by saying that if they are more concerned about being able to get out of it, then maybe that would be better for them. This will not work for everyone, though there are some who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the Kingdom. What in the world was he talking about? In the context of Deut. 23:1, he certainly cannot mean that one should be celibate to concentrate on “full-time ministry” (for this has backfired and led to homosexual, pedophile priests). One who purposefully makes himself infertile is not permitted to enter the assembly of YHWH. Rather, he is saying, “If you are going to look at it in such a selfish way, if yes, for the sake of your children and the rest of Israel, please don’t marry anyone!” But the Creator intended each man to have a woman who was created specifically for him—not chosen on emotion but based on Torah criteria. They are to be one flesh, and if you sever that, how can either or both parts remain alive? If you were willing to wait for that spouse, then go to whatever length it takes to make the marriage work, because you believe that is the person you are meant to be with. What does it mean for two pieces of flesh to ve one? Torah defines it here as two people showing favor to one another in an extreme way. Genesis says a true marriage entails giving more priority to one’s spouse even than to one’s parents—and, we would add, one’s children. Marry someone who will not break your back when you bend over, but bends over herself, if you can. If you are still married, it is not too late to begin. YHWH more than “bent over backwards” for backsliding Israel countless times before she took on other lovers; even then, He tied Himself in pretzels and still said, “Come back, if you will repent.” (Yirmeyahu 3:1-8; Hoshea 2) So Israel can return to her “Husband from the beginning”, for we never married another; even the Church does not want to be called pagan, though she constantly whored around with paganism. Forgiveness is therefore an option in this case. Since the term for adultery can also mean idolatry, a spouse refusing follow YHWH is another allowable cause for divorce, as per the precedent in Ezra 10:18ff, where priests were required to put away the foreign wives they had taken from the inhabitants of the Land after the exile, who apparently still clung to pagan ways.
2. "and after she has left his house, she may go and become another man's wife.
While this allows for more causes for divorce than the Church does, Yahshua brings great balance for our day as well, when many assume they will need a “starter marriage” to make their mistakes, and later find the right mate.
3. "But if the latter husband despises her and writes her a document of divorce, places it in her hand, and sends her out of his house--or if the latter husband, who took her into his household, dies--
There are very few other things in Torah that we are commanded to put in writing. But a prerequisite for any legal divorce according to Torah is that she must be served with papers for this, though there is no such requirement if she is to be stoned to death! This shows how serious YHWH is about what He has joined together. He makes us go to great trouble, even great expense (if one has to hire a scribe) so that we will think twice about making such a move casually. As Groucho Marx said, “Alimony is like buying hay for a horse that is already dead!” Many wives have been left in very bad situations because their husbands did not provide them with such a document, and it seems that if they abandon their responsibility in this regard, they should not be protected by Torah; if they have made themselves unavailable, the authorities who do follow Torah should write the document on their behalf so that the wife can begin to move on.
4. "her first husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after she is defiled, because that is a disgusting thing to YHWH; you must not bring guilt upon the Land which YHWH your Elohim is giving you as an inheritance.
There is special significance to the requirement that both stages of marriage have taken place before it becomes wrong to remarry the same woman, because YHWH Himself divorced Israel (Yirm. 3:8), but it was in the betrothal stage, not after the consummation. Also, as Hoshea 2:2ff shows us, there is a difference between whoring with other men and committing to them in marriage. Israel never married another, but kept flitting from one to another, worshipping anything and everything. Hoshea was told to marry such a woman, so this is allowable. The House of Israel had not had such a “second witness” put in writing what YHWH did once, so He is still within His own commands if He takes us back. (Hoshea 1:10)
5. "When a man has taken a new wife, he must not go out to battle, nor may any responsibility be passed on to him, but he shall be exempt for one year [to care] for his household and to let his wife, which he has taken, be joyful.
This is a different situation than when the war priest tells someone who has not yet married his betrothed to go back home from the battleground because his heart is somewhere else. (20:7) This is telling us where our hearts need to be if we have just been wed. Let your hobbies, buddies, promotions at work, and even your ministry wait. Have as few other responsibilities as possible in order to strengthen your marriage. It is no coincidence that this comes where it does. YHWH set this exemption in place to give the couple a full year to concentrate on solidifying their relationship—learning to “bend over backwards” in showing one another favor and mercy. (See note on v. 1.) This is the way to avoid the hardness of heart toward one another that leads to divorce. (vv. 1-4)
Commentary on
Parashat Ki Theytze'
Making Your Marriage Last
